vertically challenged

Inspired by tonight’s episode of The Chris Gethard Show, here is a completely incomplete list of things, in no particular order, that make me a loser:

• Last night, I tried to beat up my cousin for talking shit about Veronica Mars, but I can’t throw a punch so my friend tried to teach me and then a bartender yelled at me for fighting.
• When I was like 4, I went as an old lady for Halloween.
• Despite the fact that I did not have cable growing up, I have probably seen more DCOMs (do I really have to explain this acronym to you?) and ABC Family movies than people who did.
• My ears are too small or maybe just too weirdly-shaped to wear ear buds so I can only wear regular headphones.
• I thought “segue” was pronounced “see-guh” and just had the same definition as “segway,” which I thought was spelled like the scooter. This was up until college.
• When I was in high school, I took a dance class with mostly 5th graders because there weren’t any beginner classes for teenagers or adults at the dance studio closest to my house.
• One time I went to Red Lobster in Times Square at midnight because I really really wanted some of those awesome biscuits, but obviously it was closed and I was drunk.